i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
