nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
