my mouth tastes like poor choices
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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