im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize