come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
