Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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