i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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