I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize