good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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