Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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