Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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