ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
