Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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