I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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