Welp...herpes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
