So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Found your dick twin last night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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