Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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