True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
