i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize