I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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