I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
only you would photoshop your dick
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize