I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
smell my finger.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
