she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
