What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
