Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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