the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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