my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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