I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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