You're so nebulous sometimes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
