If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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