My hand turned me down
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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