if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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