and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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