I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
