So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
