Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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