No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
