I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
