Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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