addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
