how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
