I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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