dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
