I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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