I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
