If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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