I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
