Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
