I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
