she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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