Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
