I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
