Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
