That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
