A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we have pet lesbian snakes
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
