I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
