How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
