Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
