Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
