just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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