so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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